“Too good,” to “So good.”

There’s something that I’ve realized, just today actually, while I was writing for my fanfiction. If we truly are the creators of our reality, then why do I allow doubt to cloud my mind? I fully understand why I do this, but this moment was different. My perspective shifted. It was like I finally stood up for myself and exclaimed “no more!”

Doubt arises when fear steps in. When we live in the lack mindset program for our entire lives, that neuropathway has become like a well worn trail in the ridges of our brains. We subconsciously carry around beliefs that remind us what to look out for. These can be seen in the minutia. Thoughts that aren’t even thoughts. They’re unconscious beliefs and patterns that are streamlined past our awareness, which is why these thoughts can go on for so long and leave us wonder “why isn’t it working?”

They’re the stories we pass down to one another and say “this is how things work.” Your mother hands you a twenty dollar bill and asks you to put $15 in the gas tank. What do you do with the other $5? Do you just put it in the tank? Do you buy yourself something with it? Do you keep it and bring it back to her? Why did you choose the answer you chose? There was an experience or two that already gave you insight into this situation. But just because she wants the $5 back, doesn’t mean that everyone that asks you to put $15 in the tank does. But when we’re young we create these understandings and store them into our subconscious for future reference.

This is a basic example, but these small interactions are what build the foundations of our beliefs. If that person is living in lack mindset, they may want you to give back the money, and if you didn’t you were punished. That first interaction sets the precedence for future interactions. The names and places might change, but the game stays the same, especially if we do not make a conscious effort to examine them.

I’ve been writing my fanfiction for a while now. I’ve gotten better, but I haven’t always been consistent with updates, so the piece goes back a few years. It’s frustrating in the sense that I no longer align with who I was yesterday, let alone a few years, so the tone and the caliber of writing has a few significant shifts. I don’t mind it too much, because the essential plot is still the same, but I’ve gotten better. Additionally, my mindset has also shifted when it comes to plot points.

Everyone is different when it comes to the consumption of fiction. Some like romance, mystery, horror, sci-fi, and others like tragedy. There are some that also have sub-plots, and really good writers know how to pull it all together in the end. When searching for particular pieces there are some key words that may help you find what your looking for: tone, setting, plot elements, characters and genre. Tone, or emotion, is the feeling of the story, and it’s typically my go to when searching for a fiction to read. Is it angsty, lighthearted or fluffy, tragedy, hurt/comfort or humorous?

I’ve loved to read things all across the board, but if there’s one thing about writing it that I love, it has been an angsty romance. I partially attribute this to the tone and writing done around queer relationships in media. The romantic relationships I grew up observing were primarily “forbidden love” tropes where the two must hide their love in order to remain safe or alive. (I’m also experiencing an epiphany as I write this.) The movies were so good, for the most part, and the passion and love seemed so fiery. It felt visceral through the screen, because I knew their struggle of having to hide a part of themselves. Sneaking a kiss when no one is watching, or mistakenly falling for your straight best friend.

I’ve even allowed it into my own writing. I enjoy the sense of creating drama and anticipation. The tension is easy to build, because the sense of “forbidden-ness,” or taboo, already has tension and fear built into it; which of course relates particularly to queer history and culture of having to hide for your own safety. It’s almost like it’s expected, or at least it seemed that way for me. As I was writing my most recent piece, I began to realize that I keep drawing attention to how their relationship would be difficult to make work. Drawing attention to the struggle they face, because it’s captivating and raw and intense. Except, because I’ve grown and healed in my own life, it’s begun to show up in my writing, too. I also am having them realize their worth, stand up for themselves and know that their own intentions matter more than other people’s projections, to feel safe with vulnerability and finding a partner that creates a safe atmosphere for that experience.

So, when I get to the part where they’re getting more serious with this relationship, and they’re confronted with having to tell people before people find out about it, it hit me. Why am I trying to make their lives so challenging? Why am I creating a reality, with these characters that I adore, in which they suffer? Why can’t everything work out for them? It’s my fiction. I can write it however I please, but I had a propensity to challenge them and stress them and create fear where it may not have been necessary. I can feel something deeper healing within me, now as I write these words. The fear of openly experiencing queer love in a world that’s deemed us so forbidden.

This is what it means when we talk about the macrocosm and the microcosm are reflections of one another. Queer love at large is deemed forbidden and that has a ripple effect on my life, and how I perceive myself. It’s how many view themselves. These are the pieces that we’re healing within us that can also reflect back to the macrocosm. When we can love and accept ourselves truly, the world begins to change, too. My love is not forbidden. My love is genuine, pure, gentle, nurturing, grounding, deep, and passionate.

That’s when I realized that I can make it easy for these characters, because I love them.

And I know this sounds a little silly, but I can write it however I want. Anybody can write whatever they want, but this really struck me on a deeper level. It struck me with my own life. Why do I allow doubt to dictate my reality when I love myself so much? Why don’t I believe that it can work out for me? I know I actually do want it to work out, but then why am I allowing the doubt to creep in? If I truly believe that I am the creator of my reality, then I choose for things to work out in the best way possible.

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “too good to be true.” This idea that something is so outstanding and amazing that there’s no way it could work out for me. Why not? Why can’t it? Am I not deserving? Am I not worthy of an outstanding and miraculous life? Am I limiting my expectations, because I’m afraid it might not work out? I didn’t want to continue to write my own story in lack. I love myself so damn much that I couldn’t continue to bring myself back to doubt.

Instead of too good to be true, I’ve changed my phrasing to “so good, it must be true.” This love that I’ve found with my divine counterpart is so deeply in tune and aligned, there’s no way it’s not true. It’s so good, it must be true. A gift from spirit. A divine connection that I’d never known existed but had always felt deeply in my core. Why can’t it all work out for me? What’s stopping me from creating the reality that I truly desire?