The Attention we Deserve

Last night, I had a couple dreams. In both, I was able to experience my counterpart. That’s been happening more frequently these last couple weeks. These dreams are the ones I pay attention to the most, and I’ve also been experiencing a lot of growth from them because of that. Since they’re centered around my counterpart, the draw and connection is so strong that it captivates me, which makes them more memorable and challenging.

In the first dream, I was in a body that wasn’t my own. I had short dark hair, and I was male. She was doing a walk through at my school, or some sort of community center. It wasn’t anything similar to what we have in the States, though. It had an otherworldly quality to it. Regardless, she was walking the grounds and being shown around. It seems that she was going to be making a donation. The entire time I was around her I was acting foolish, and I mean that with lightheartedness.

I was doing all that I could to get her to notice me. I told another student that I had a crush on this woman (my counterpart). This student later on catcalls me as though she’s pumping me up in front of my counterpart. I almost put my hat on backwards afterward, but then I realized that was probably too much bravado. My counterpart did look my way with a smile, but it vanished as soon as her eyes were on someone or something else. It seemed I couldn’t actually garner her attention no matter what I tried.

It was tough, because I woke up after this dream, and I took it personally. I was upset that she hadn’t noticed me and was confused as to why. Most of the time, in my dreams I’m acting them out as my smaller self. While the main parts of my soul recharge and do whatever souls do. But my smaller self, the ego, exists and plays in dreams. So this experience, I already knew, was a reflection of a belief. I’d asked spirit to show me what I was supposed to learn from this, but they wouldn’t tell me just yet.

I had another dream where my counterpart was attending a wedding that I was at. Like most dreams with her in them, she’s only present for a short period of time. That’s because her presence amps up my energy depending on the context, and it’s important to maintain balanced energy while I’m asleep. I’ve had all of my kundalini experiences while sleeping, and I’m sure it has something to do with it. There are times, in fact, where the dream shifts to something terrible just to bring my energy back down to a lower level. It’s quite interesting.

So, my dream started out at a beach, and I was doing beach things until the dream shifted to a house just off the shore. I ended up at a wedding that wasn’t mine, but someone’s I cared for very much. There was some drama happening between some friends, and then out of the corner of my eye I had seen my counterpart again. This time, though, I didn’t engage or hardly pay my counterpart any attention, regardless of the draw I felt towards her. I deliberately chose to ignore her. When I realized that she wasn’t going to notice me, I stormed upstairs and slammed my door shut.

Both of these dreams depict very key aspects of what I believed it took to get someone’s attention. In the first, I was being boisterous and acting out to get her attention, while in the second, I was distancing myself and making it seem like I was aloof and didn’t care. Both are ways that I remember trying to get people’s attention when I was a child and as a teen. Acting out not necessarily with bad behavior but by doing the most, trying my hardest to be impressive, and showcasing myself. Then, I’d opted for pulling back and hiding myself away in hopes of someone curious enough to wonder why.

I’d realized that a part of me still operates under this belief, under this dynamic, that the only way to get attention is by changing who I am in order to get someone to notice me, and looking outside of myself for attention is the only way to receive it. Because we are so receptive as children and received a lot of guidance from the external to survive our world, many of us still operate by seeking validation from outside of ourselves. We look to others to validate what we do, who we are, and what we should want, or how we should perceive ourselves. But once we’re adults, this way of living is no longer conducive to knowing who we truly are. Instead, we’re stuck in a matrix, or matrices, of beliefs that we learned and say “this is who I Am.” Except, that’s a false perception and most likely a construct of the way we were raised.

Let’s change how we look at this. Rather than looking outwards to receive attention and validation, I’m going to turn inward. The focus then shifts to sifting through all the programmed beliefs to uncover who we really are. This is the spiritual journey of alchemy. Wading through old patterns, beliefs and letting go of stuck energies from traumas to discover ourselves again. When we do this, we also realize that we no longer look to others to tell us who we are, and we no longer require their validation.

Now, my only responsibility is to myself. I am responsible for who I allow in my life and what energy I’m willing to give to other people. This may sound harsh, but when you know your worth, you won’t feel obligated to please other people by changing who you are for them and their needs. When someone can’t meet your level of attention, or love, they’ll tell you that you’re the problem and that you need to change in order for that person to love you. I’ve done this. I’ve shrunken myself for other people’s benefit, because they couldn’t reach my level of love. I had to be the one to accept them and their flaws, but it wasn’t them striving to reach to my level.

If someone is upset at you for not changing for them, they’re stuck in victimhood and they’re blaming you instead of taking accountability for their inadequacies. For instance, I recently had a conversation with a woman who isn’t a very good listener and likes to talk over me, or she ignores what I say altogether. When I was younger, people would talk over me all the time. I was told that I was supposed to be more extraverted and assertive with what I had to say. It wasn’t the group’s responsibility to allow space for me to speak, it became my burden to change myself so that I could experience being heard. Thankfully, as a young adult, I learned that I’d rather not fight anyone for the conversation. If people don’t want to hear what I have to say, then that’s their loss. I don’t need to scream to be heard.

When we shift inwards and understand that our value and validation can come from within, we won’t look outwards for it. People won’t have such a huge influence on who we are, because we don’t need to give any parts of ourselves away in order to be loved. We don’t have to abandon ourselves in order to receive from others. What we must focus on instead is that we owe it to ourselves to set limits and boundaries on what we are willing to put our energy towards. If someone is going to talk over me, I know that I won’t be expending the energy I had planned on giving in order to combat their ability to converse. This is how I give people the opportunity to meet me where I’m at, instead of me falling to where they are.

I can still be loving and kind to all people, but I simply know who I’m willing to give more of myself to. I wouldn’t want to give hours of my energy to someone who’s hardly able to give me a second of their own time. I’d be abandoning myself and simultaneously determining my own worth by allowing this to happen. I’d be telling myself (perhaps subconsciously) that I’m only worthy of a second of this person’s time with the hours of my own; therefore, my time is less valuable than theirs. That sets a standard and a belief within; and it’s also a depiction of how we allow people, or give away our power to others, to dictate our worth and value.

So, in these dreams, I’d deemed myself as unworthy of her attention, because my counterpart didn’t notice me when I tried to showcase the impressive qualities about myself. I gave her the power to determine my worth, and in the process I changed myself and my behaviors in attempts to get that attention. Instead, what I could’ve done better was to be myself at all times and understand that if someone is meant for me, then we will connect in the middle. There’s no need for me to change myself to meet her approval or to get her attention. Besides, how do I even know what she likes or what impresses her?

This can be difficult to accept when there’s a person we really want to know. But if it’s that important that we know them, and they don’t try to know us, ask yourself why it’s so important to know them in the first place. Is there a reason that surprises you? Maybe you believe that this person is someone who can make you feel valued and loved, which would be external validation. I personally don’t require her validation, but I do want to love her without expectation. I want her to see me for who I am… look at me: not being myself in order to get her attention but wanting her to see me for who I am! What kind of silly paradox is that? HA! Me realizing that in real time, by the way.

This is where I understand my value and worth first so that I can maintain who I am and know that it’s more than enough for the right people. By changing myself, not only am I telling myself that the true me isn’t good enough, I’m also depriving both of us a genuine and authentic engagement. There’s no need to change myself for the right people, and the people that want me to change myself aren’t the right people. They’re stuck in victimhood and want me to make them more comfortable. But I know my worth, and I won’t be doing that again as much as I can help it. It’s not easy being my biggest advocate since I’ve never known that kind of love, but I’m working on it one day at a time.

Remember, our boundaries aren’t there to tell other people how to act. They’re there to remind us our worth. To remind us what we will give and what we won’t. That woman I had the conversation with was lovely, and I didn’t walk away from her in the middle of the conversation. I didn’t interrupt her out of frustration. I just let her talk over me. I knew that if she wanted to hear me speak, then she would. Otherwise, I’m not going to expend more of my precious energy trying to get someone to listen. Maybe they aren’t ready to hear what I have to say. There’s no telling what the deal might be, but I without a doubt know that I can respect my boundaries and still love her and show her kindness. Those are the qualities that require little to no effort. They mostly require our presence. When we can sit in our authenticity, all we exude is love.